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Cloud Strife.

"CLOUD!!!"
Tifa, Aeris, Yuffie, Barret, and all the Cloud fangirls upon seeing Cloud


Cloud Strife is the main protaganist from Final Fantasy VII. He is often noted for his deep character, chocobo butt hair, giant sword, overcompensating and being emo.

Seeing yaoi partner, Zack Weather, die in front of his eyes had caused him to enter a obsessive state copying Zack's memories somehow.

Cloud Strife is the star of Final Fantasy VII, and is one of the most famous video game characters ever, rivaled only by Pac-man, Link, and that plumber guy whose name shall not be used here out for respect for the dead. Since first appearing, Cloud has also made cameo appearances in every game SQUARE-SOFT has put out, as well as being retroactively added into previous games he had nothing to do with. Cloud Strife currently resides in Blackpool, thus being the only survivor of the great Chav War of 2003

Cloud's Japanese voice is done by Yoko Ono, his English voice actor is Adam West, and his Swahili voice actor is Gilbert Gotfried, (despite the fact that Gilbert doesn't actually speak Swahili.)

Love LifeEdit

Despite being a mentally confused, emotionally vulnerable cross dresser with funny hair, 90% of women, 50% of men, and 100% of people named Your Mom find him irresistibly sexy. The following is a list of characters that Cloud Strife has been romantically linked to in one way or another.

Aeris Gainsborough: Sweet and innocent flower girl from the slums.

Aerith Gainsborough: Sweet and not-so-innocent entrepreneur from the slums. Aeris's twin sister, so far, Cloud doesn't know there are actually two of them.

Tifa Lockhart: Childhood friend, bar owner, and Terrorist.

Yuffie Kissarawknee: Teenage ninja girl, thief. Was one of the teenage mutant ninja turtles but was thrown out for stealing their candy.

Barret, aka Mr T: They both deny it, but we've all seen that scene...

Jessie Avalanche: Professional bomb maker and one of the most famous videogame girls ever.

Sephiroth: During Clouds military bootcamp days, was often "punished" by his girly commanding officer. Such punishment resulted in a 20ft steel sword shoves up his ass.

Don Corneo: After leaving the military, Cloud found a new hobby in transvestitism. It was through this interest he first met underground sex club owner Don Corneo, with whom he later started a fiery affair.

Auron: They never "met" officially, but we all know what they're doing...

The Disney Princesses from Kingdom Hearts: All of them. All at the same time.

Princess Peach: After destroying The Unnamed Plumber, Cloud took his place and destroyed Bowser and finally gave Peach a 1-up...What he didn't know was That Plumber had 1 life left. Cloud has been avoiding That Plumber ever since.

Solid Snake: Met at the premier for Snake Eater, an insidious rip-off of all 007 movies.

Chuck Norris: Ranger whose eyes were upon Cloud ever since his starting years in SOLDIER. Initially a bit of a stalker (allegedly following Cloud around while the latter was on holiday in Texas). Chuck, wanting to eliminate any threats to his reputation, challenged Cloud to a fist-fight, only to lose when Cloud slashed him to pieces.

Your mother: Over and over again...What?

Axel: An Orginization XIII member who mistook Cloud for an older, cooler version of Roxas. Stalked him for several days until caught in an Anime Convention where they were forced to appease AkuRoku fangirls. Many hours later, Axel realized his mistake and broke up with Cloud, and the two never spoke to each other again.

AbilitiesEdit

Besides his unexplained gravity defying hair, Cloud has shown a number of super human abilities.

As an RPG character, Cloud's abilities are greatly increased every time he gets into a fight. Which means if he beats you up, next time he fights you, he's going to beat you up even harder.

Besides these basic facts, Cloud was enhanced by a top-secret government super soldier project. This gave him funky glowing eyes, the ability to lift 1000 times his own body weight in metal, multi-class every class ever at the same time to level 999 with no experience penalty, and gain and max out every skill known to man.

He is also the world record holder for doing squats.

Mental StateEdit

Cloud gets very emotional easily and tends to have severe headaches when he goes more than five hours without listening to emo music.

Cloud is also very easily confused by even the simplest of things and once had to have a tutorial explaining to him how to swing his sword and put balls in holes.

He is known to have a short memory span, frequently rejecting anything unpleasant and reconstructing his own memory more to his liking. ("Nu-uh, I did not get drunk and dance butt naked on the deck of Highwind last night! That was... er... Tifa!" - Cloud Strife)

Cloud also enjoys cross-dressing, even while out on dates with other women.

Cloud often goes to bars, especially Tifa's bar, 7th Heaven. This is where he tends to get very drunk. In his drunken state, he has been known to get into bar fights, and has on two occasions hospitilized people due to head butting him with his spiky head. Cloud is in fact most dangerous when he is drunk, so it is advisable not to approach him while he is in this state.

Cloud's standard warcry sounds something like "ah'mnocrazzzy!zshacknoexishtant!!MEjshack!Aieeeaieeeeaieeeeaieeeeaieeee!!" It is recommended that you run - or at least cast barrier - upon hearing it.

PopularityEdit

Cloud Strife is the only character ever to be nominated, Coolest character that will ever exist. Ever by GameFakes. He ran unopposed and received 103% of the votes, narrowly beating out himself who received 106% of the votes. The question of how the lesser number won was brought up but instantly answered by mentioning the electoral college.

(Ralph Nader received .6% of votes due to hanging chads.)

Cloud has also become a popular name to use in online games, message boards, and chat rooms, as it lets others know not to mess with Cloud. This is because, as a character, Cloud gets very emotional and must be coddled constantly.

Further AdventuresEdit

File:Clouds 3.jpg
Once, only once, did Cloud team up with the American Justice Coalition, and while he did manage to help the group defeat Oprah once and for all, he turned out to be such a whiney little punk, that they all gave him fake phone numbers when asked for them. After discovering what the justice league had done to him Cloud became quite distraught. He fell into an alcohol/cocaine/mako/materia/crack addiction for 4 years. For anyone other than Cloud this would have caused death but it only caused his HP to decrease from 9999 to 500, which he eventually fixed by going to sleep. Once coming out of this depression he decided that he was going to "make those filthy bastards pay". On September 5th 2001 a showdown of the Justice League and Cloud Strife occured which was held at Madison Square Garden. My memory isn't quite what it was, but I think the world was destroyed in this epic battle...but in truth, Cloud was actually knocked into Dimension X. He is currently on a 20-year journey to learn a skill known as Super Ultimate Hyper Omega Omnislashapocalypse, a skill rumored to be so deadly that even saying it really loud makes you seem more dangerous to random passing strangers. It is rumored to have the ability to harm ChiefKakashi. Cloud, however, simply wants it for a wall paper.

After Final Fantasy, Cloud conquered most of the Disney universe. Squaresoft and Disney formed an unholy alliance to stop the evil tyrant, so Disney created the Heartless. Squaresoft knew this wouldn't work, as Cloud is a Heartless facist dictator, so they sent Sephiroth and Disney created a character. Squaresoft said that this character could have one of Cloud's powers; Disney chose gravity-defying hair. This new character, Sora, betrayed and helped Cloud. The war still rages on.

HairstyleEdit

His unsual hairstyle was obtained when he was a child and he jumped into a tub while holding a blow-dryer. It also fried his brain which explains why he isn't all that smart. One time when he was going to slick his hair back, but he cut his wrist on one of the sharp spikes which almost led to his untimely death, but luckily he was saved by a leprechaun who threw himself upon the wound until the blood was too scared to come out anymore. Goku claims that Cloud stole his hairstyle and his whole look, and sued him for an untold amount of money. They setted out of court.

Past InjuriesEdit

Despite Cloud's image of total invincibility, he was once handicapped and confined to a wheel-chair. Cloud's party decided "who gives a f*ck" and pushed him into a pit of mako, which is where most of his powers comes from. The closest things to an injury he can get is when people make fun of his AWESOME hair, and kick-ass jeans.

Buster SwordEdit

Cloud's butter knife was given to him by the 'bigass sword maker'. He remarked that Cloud deserved it. He used his butter knife for good deeds, though he could hardly lift it at first. Eventually, after sucking down eggs and working out, he was able to lift it and swing it perfectly. He is the only man/woman/cat alive to know this work out trick, though why he can't use it to unleash ass-kicking/slicing/hurting hell on his opponents is unclear. He now uses it for various chores around the house, like trimming hedges and painting. It's so grossly out of proportion, so it needs two sections to explain.

Buster Sword (cont'd)Edit

Cloud's butter knife is really just too big. Even the developers at Square couldn't see the point, but Nobuo made them do it. Nobuo's the only man of any real significance there. Legend has it that the butter knife was actually a being of great importance at some time in the past, but that its blade outgrew its hilt and killed the brain inside. Akin to its equally mindless wielder, it wreaks psychopathic destruction on the battlefield. RRRRAAAAAAAUGHHHH!!!...*ahem*...Excuse me.

The Great Hair Gel IncidentEdit

Cloud and Sephiroth used to be very close. One fateful night they were sent to Berlin, a town in Germany, to investigate the Hair Gel Reactor built by Shinra. Cloud went in with black hair and went to bed. The next morning he woke up and found Sephiroth gone. Sephiroth had finally gone mad with jealousy after realizing that Cloud's hairstyle had beaten his in the fashion polls. As revenge, Sephiroth had stolen his hairgel, dyed Cloud's hair yellow and ran off crying to his mother.

Cloud pursued Sephiroth up to the hair gel reactor and pushed him into the gelstream, something which can kill anyone by overslicking their hair. Years later, Sephiroth came back for revenge and tried to take over the moon. Cloud decided to stop him and finally met him under the crater in the north.

Here, Cloud came into contact with the gelstream and which granted him amazing powers. He was infused with Holy hairgel and suddenly gained the power of Hypersupermegaultimaridiculousinfernoblahblahblahuberultimateyadayadakick-assomnislash Thing.

Not surprisingly, Sephiroth died. Twice.

Swiss Army MotorbikeEdit

After destroying Sephiroth utterly Cloud decided to go in for a make over. He lost the purple jumpsuit and started to wear black, then took up an earring to show his feminine side and cut his hair slightly to stop scaring small children. The final stage in the make over was the 'Fenrir' model swiss army motorbike. Containing various tools including a six-in-one sword, a device for getting people out of Chocobos' feet, scissors, compact, magnifying glass, fishing pole, Willy Wonka, screwdriver, hair gel, and Oompa-Loompas. The tools can combine together into a single handy hedgetrimmer, or a weapon of unthinkable mass destruction.

RetirementEdit

No longer needed as a mercenary and tired of the hectic life as a delivery boy (which offered him great challenges due to his short memory span), Cloud finally retired after the destruction of Sephiroth and the Shiny Triplets to go on an around-the-world roadtrip on his Swiss Army Motorbike.

In his autobiography Let's Mosey! he recounts how he ran out of gas in a secluded area somewhere off in the East. Encountering an elderly farmer, who incidentally was the only local trader in gas, Cloud found that he was completely broke after spending all of his money on hairgel. After some careful consideration, Cloud decided to trade in his Swiss Army Motorbike for the much needed can of gas. It was this very can of gas he was hauling along aimlessly when he suddenly came upon an old, run-down chocobo farm up for auction.

File:Cloudchocobo.jpg


Cloud decided to participate in the said auction and thus made a generous bid on the farm. He won easily, as the seller was in dire need of some gas for his newly aquired Swiss Army Motorbike (they're everywhere). None of the other bidders seemed able to top Cloud's bid of 1 can of gas, seeing as they all thoughtlessly brought nothing but money and checkbooks to the auction.


Since his lucky strike, Cloud has fully restored the old farm and made it into a private business, calling it Cloud's Chocobos. The farm is currently dedicated to experimenting in the breeding and in-breeding of various types of chocobo. Among the most famous and interesting of Cloud's results so far have been the Flat chocobo, Pleasantly Plump chocobo (It's not fat! - Just pleasantly plump.), Clockobo, Rockabo and the Makobo, all of which have been trademarked.


An unconfirmed rumor states that Cloud's Chocobos has recently received several orders on Pleasantly Plump chocobos from the KFC Corporation. According to the rumor, Cloud is currently signing a deal to become a major supplier for the company.

See Also Edit